Don't laugh at my fwomping.

Today is a good day despite (or because of) the fact that I only had three of patchwork sleep last night.  I'm a vewy syeepy Jay. *fwomps*

I had a pretty bad few days. Well, Marina kept you in the loop. Bad news and more bad news, followed by my body saying "fuck it, if the news is just gonna be bad, why try?"

So I had some dialysis and a wonderful cocktail of medicines to try to fix the rest of me.  I can't have chemo again until my body is strong enough to handle it, but since I can't have chemo my body is getting weaker.  Somethin' 'bout this 'ere don' seem righ' ta me. *spits*

Before I was going to be admitted for the dialysis etc, I had a long talk with Marina and we decided that I'm stupid.  Apparently she knew this all along and still loved me anyway.  I was too stupid to realize I was stupid, of course.  We decided that she should fly down to visit me.  Turns out she doesn't care that I look sickly and weak.  *shrugs*

I went into the hospital and spent a few days worrying hardcore about meeting her.  What if she was really an immature teenager? Would she still love a creepy old gay man?

Meeting her was a lot easier than I thought.  She arrived at the hospital and pranced into the room and immediately did a strip tease.  Of course I was asleep, so she may not have stripped. *shrugs*

I can say that I was having a pretty awesome dream about her... and then I felt something brush my face so I woke up... and it was a million times better than the dream.  I don't think waking up ever felt so great.

My gut instinct was to cry.  I'm man enough to admit it.  But I wasn't man enough to do it right away.  I held it behind my dashingly dopey grin until I kissed her.  Then I cried like a baby.  But it was cool, her shirt was absorbent.

I won't go into too much detail about our weekend... but I will say hospital beds can accommodate two. *wink*

I was feeling pretty damn good.  Marina makes everything better, really.  She didn't even mind when I got up every hour to take a shit. She was all, "You need anything? Can I help?"  I'm sorry, but that's love right there.  I love a woman who'll wipe my stanky ass.

When even more bad news threatened to ruin our weekend, Marina poked it in the toe with a pointy  stick.  It's true that my kidneys are pretty much shot.  I would need a transplant, but my body isn't strong enough to handle that.  It's also true that my bone marrow is all cancerfied.  Again, nothing we can do about that until my body stops being such a pussy.  It's true also that my spinal fluid has been spiked with cancer, but unlike punch spiked with Captain, this is not good.  Basically... the chemo wasn't strong enough to do its job.  They underestimated the cancer and overestimated my kidneys and the bottom line was... even with continued dialysis and eventual chemotherapy, my body just won't be able to handle more than a few years of rockin' hot sex with Marina. *giggidy*

Now, if I was alone when I got that news... I'd have thought... two to five years is simply not enough.  Especially two to five years of my body slowly decomposing around my super-quick-witted-brain.  It would even have made me wonder if zombies also have super-quick-witted-brains inside their decomposing bodies.  If so... then I would be no better than a zombie.  And why even try to fight cancer if I couldn't fight zombies??

But I wasn't alone.  I looked Marina.  Marina looked at me.  She shrugged.  I didn't inhale or exhale for a little while... scared of, "Oh well.  Good luck with that.  I'm outta here" which would have been a million times worse than the idea of dying a slow, zombified death.  She said, "Ok. So what do we do next?" And we talked about what we could do to get the most out of those five years (because if there's a maximum, that's what we're focused on) and how there will be more things to try in those five years (because there's always new medicines and things) and how I'm simply not allowed to die, because she'd kill me if I died. I don't want Marina to kill me.  That pointy stick she pokes people with is painful.

So even though the news is bad, the outlook is good.  I think I can handle a slow, zombified death as long as I get to wake up next to Marina every morning.

I'm not happy about my situation.  I fuckin hate cancer.  I'm scared that I'm going to die.  I'm cranky because my body is my worst enemy right now.  But I am happy with Marina.  She reminds me that everything is going to be ok.  How could it not be? She's ridiculous!

Now.  The aftermath.

Marina left.  And I didn't think it was possible to miss someone this much.  I'm pretty sure the cancer misses her too. It kept me up all night with its pathetic weeping.  Luckily she will return soon to pet my bald head, watch Bourne movies, give mai face her kisses, and laugh at me as I fwomp all over the place.

The end.

P.S. I have two to five years to get an (arctic) foxee key on fluff. That's like, what, less than 1lg a day?  Fuck yeah.  (arctic) foxee keys cure cancer!

I'm like, "The sooner the better!"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARINA!

just because its yourday doesnt mean its all about you. :P

ive been feeling okay really. my kidneys hurt a lot and im going tothe bathroom more than id like too lol. my chesthas also been hurting lately but i do have a bighole in it so i dont think thats too unusual. i have a lot of indigestion and heartburn and trouble sleeping and im cold constantly. plus i just dont have much energy at all. icant even be botheredto fuckin capitalize or properly space my sentences. dont like it? be fuckin glad i use punctuation sometimes, bitches.

even though most of my body feel like shit, i still love my bokkie with all of it.

catch up.

got blood and platelets again.

had bone marrow biopsy.

got results.

levels safe enough for me to be released.

released.

went to michigan with mom.

got back.

supposed to go in for next chemo on june 9th, docs want to bump it up to may 26th.

feeling really bad.

think i might check in to hospital for the pneumonia.  have trouble breathing, not hungry, very achey, very tired.

not very happy at all.

Constant.

I love Marina.

Intermission: Thirteen - Sixteen

Well now everything is fucked up.

Everything.

And I don't give a fuck.

My mom is driving out tomorrow.  As soon as I'm released this week, we'll drive back to Michigan.  I might just stay the fuck out there.

I'm done with all this shit.  Fuck it.

Intermission: Four - Twelve

These past few days have sucked. A lot.  I just didn't feel like posting because there's nothing to say that will make any difference.

I don't get the chemo drugs anymore, but I'm still on a lot of medications.  I can't do very much because I'm so fucking tired and cold and grumpy.  My pneumonia isn't getting any better.  My blood counts are low, which means I need another transfusion and I won't be able to go home any time soon.  This morning the doctor suggested I might "want to stay" straight through my second treatment.  Fuck that shit.  I want to go HOME.  

I don't want my mom to come back because she wouldn't do any good here, but she keeps bugging to visit again.  I don't want visitors, I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to sleep and be alone.  I had the nurses take all the flowers and cards and shit and re-gift it to patients who didn't get anything.  All that crap makes me think is, "how nice.  people care about me, but have no idea who the fuck I am if they think this will even remotely cheer me up."  I appreciate the generic sympathy gifts, but its your empathy that I'd appreciate more.  I don't want you to be sorry for me.  At this point, I don't even want you to fucking pray for me.  Unless you can empathize, your energy would be better spent enjoying your own life.  If you can empathize, then you already know how to spend your energy and know that I love you unconditionally because its evident that the feeling is mutual.

In case you can't tell.  I'm a fuckin jerk.  I'm fuckin bitter and mean and I don't give a fuck.  When the news stops being good and I stop making progress, I feel my attitude is warranted.  No news is NOT good news in the case of cancer.  No news means they don't want to get my damn hopes up.  No news means things are the same.  We don't want things to be the same.  We want things to get better.  Fuckin cancer.  Balls.

So I arranged for Krys to take care of my online stuff for the week.  I wanted a week off.  Just coming online to chat with my girlfriend and a few close friends who dont piss me off or stress me out.  I figured it would help me to relax without getting me stressed, because my online stuff is more work than it seems like... especially when I'm drugged up, have an IV in my hand, can't focus on the screen, and need to type awkwardly while lying on my side when my chest huts too much.  You think some of you fuckers ache from voting on fluff art or trying to follow chat logs?  Shut up, pussies.  Try fluffing and chatting with CANCER.  

And then Krys can't get internet access because she's camping with her grandmother (it's cool on her part though, she needs the break too and I hope she's relaxing.  Plus her grandmother is uber wicked awesome.) so I have to log on today to check my stuff and make sure everything is going ok.  Well, it's not.  You'd think things could go a day and a half without falling apart, but apparently not.  The fundraiser I was running on fluff got locked, the Sick Kids Assholes spammed my inbox with stupid pity-me and pity-you e-mails, and I got tons of fucking nasty e-mails and messages from people because I didn't something or other.  Well, fuck it all.

If not for the cute innuendo and funny gifts my amazing girlfriend sends me on facebook, I would have considered today a complete waste of my time.  And I'm not in a position to waste my fuckin' time.  (All I do is sleep away most of my time, but I like to make the most of my fuckin' time.)

Fuck the world...

I love my bokkie oodles.

Intermission: Three

fever broke last night.  was still nauseated most of the day, but ate lunch and then slept without vomiting.  

health wise not a horrible day.  but my mom and sister left today for home and i think too much sometimes.

>I love you oodles, Marina.

Intermission: Two

i had a really high fever today.  i spent most of the day sleeping.  i got two goldfish they dont have names yet.  my mom and sister leave for home tomorrow night. i didnt watch tv today becayse it was too frustratin to try to focus.  im only able to drink eating makes me too neauseated to eat.  i feel very cold i think i need a heated blanket.  my fever broke so i was sweaty but still cold.  my hair is very long agin i dont want it to fallout form the chemo but the doctors said it might not so thats what i hope.  i need to name my goldfish.

thankyou for the prayers.

Intermission: One

today i am not feeling well at all.  last night i started to feel sick so went to bed early.  today i am very tired but cant sleep because i vomit so much.  absolutely no appetite.  having a lot of trouble focusing.

my sister is here.  shell have her bone marrow tested today.  my mom is not a match but my dad was and so my sister might be.

i love my girlfriend.  she goes to lesbian bars and watches squirrels sex it up in trees.  totally hott.

Act One: Scene Ten

Today I have my final chemo shot for Round 1.  Tomorrow I'll celebrate the end of the induction phase by chillin' with my mom and my sister.  My sister flies in tonight, but she won't be visiting the hospital until tomorrow.

I've been having a tough time staying focused lately.  My mind sort of jumps from topic to topic and sometimes I zone out completely.  I've been feeling more tired lately and put up less of a fight when people tell me to nap.  I had a great appetite for a few days, but today I don't feel much like eating.  I'm not exactly sick to my stomach, but thinking about food does make me a little nauseated.  I guess my hopes that I could brave through this without feeling like complete shit might soon be dashed.  (I wanted to say "on the rocks of" something, but couldn't think of the word.  Ha.)

I don't have the attention span, energy, or patience to forum anymore.  I might drop in and make a post or two, but I don't really feel like it.  You make one post and then everyone expects you to reply and refresh every ten seconds.  I can't follow conversations like that right now.  I can manage chatting on IM but only with certain people.  It's a combination of my desire to chat with them and their understanding of my situation.  There are only five people I can really follow through conversations with right now online.

Don't think it's any better in person.  I can't tolerate phones at all.  They just piss me off.  I zone out, forget who I'm talking to.  If my mom's here, she'll answer the phone and I'll say hello, maybe give a quick "I'm feeling fine" or tell a joke, but no more than that.  If mom isn't here, I don't answer.  Face-to-face conversations are slightly less horrible than the phone, but still pretty horrid.  I'll forget what we're talking about, I'll get frustrated, I'll just stop talking.  Even when I'm in a good mood.  It sucks, because I know I want to say something but I can't seem to get it out.  I wonder if this is common for chemo patients.

I like this blog because I can type and then reread and change or add.  I can focus my thoughts more easily.  At least they seem focused to me.  Maybe you don't agree.  I don't give a fuck.  (This comment will be humorous to at least two people reading this.)

Act One: Scene Nine

Today (4/17/08) was relatively uneventful.  I rested a lot.  I chatted a little.  I struggled more with my fever.

I finally had a chance to look at photos of my new house that my mom so graciously decorated and photographed for me.  I have realized two things: There is a reason my mom is not a professional decorator or photographer.  I love my girlfriend more than before (I didn't think it was possible, but it's true). 

I also saw my new baby for the first time.  She's a pretty little Chevelle that was abandoned in the woods on the property I purchased.  My uncle cleaned her up already and we're going to be restoring her when I get home.

My mother has been living in my house with frequent visitors.  She said my dog, Berk, is especially happy about the new home.  He enjoys all the land to run around on and spends most of his time in the basement (which is where I will spend a lot of my time as well).  My cat, Marli, has yet to leave the bedroom where she was released from her travel crate.  Apparently she has decided to camp out under the bed until future notice.  Mom has been humoring her, putting her food and water under the bed along with a litter pan.  Eventually she'll get her down to the basement so my room doesn't stink like cat when I go home.  I don't mind much.  Poor Marli is just pissed off at me for deserting her for so long.

I hope Ami doesn't hide under the bed when she comes home.  Could make things difficult.

Act One: Scene Eight

Cancer Stuff:

I finished up my Ara-C treatments today and had my first Idarubicin shot (direct into my port). I've got two more days of the Idarubicin and then this round of chemo will be finished.  Then I spend some time letting the chemo do its thing.  After that, I rest up for the second round.  Right now, we're looking at around the first week in June, but it depends on how quickly my body responds to this round.  I keep telling the doctors I want to try to push everything ahead two months.  If I could have my last round of chemo in August, that would be awesome.  Fits my plans much more conveniently.  And we all know cancer is convenient.

My red blood cell count was finally given a thumbs up today, which is good.  I started to run a fever and it has been climbing since earlier this evening.  The doctors are mildly concerned, which of course concerns me.  The only bit of insightful information I was able to retrieve was from a nurse who let it slip that patients who receive transfusions sometimes have poor reactions and get sick.  Since I'm starting to think a lot of the blood in me is no longer mine, it's possible that may be the cause of the fever.  I don't think it's anything serious.  I get ice-packs and I'm trying to rest a little more.  (The levels of "rest" I have are amazing... rest 0-sleep, rest 1-laying with eyes closed, rest 2- staring at the TV/wall/ceiling/window, rest 3- chatting with my girlfriend/paying attention to the TV/listening to music, rest 4- chatting/foruming/actively watching TV/singing along to music, rest 5- talking/sitting up/considering walking.)

Today I tried not to think about cancer too much.  The hospital is a fucking depressing place the way it is, I don't need to spend all my time thinking about the rogue cells that decided to wage war against my body.  Bastards.

Non-Cancer Stuff:

CONS>

I haven't been able to have many visitors because I am very susceptible to extra illness right now.  With the pneumonia and the new arrival of the fever, I imagine it might be some time before I get to see Ami again.  It hurts to be a new dad and not have the chance to do new dad things.  I'm actually sad that I don't get to change diapers and wake up at 2am to scald my wrists with hot formula.  I'm worried that Ami is growing so fast.  I'm missing out on it. Con? No Ami.

My family unpacked and decorated my new home for me.  I have no idea what it looks like now. Should be interesting to go "home" and see what great things my mom picked out.  I hear the guest room is pink.  That's right.  Pink. Con? No "home".

I miss my girlfriend.  Have I mentioned she's ridiculously awesome?  She is.  Pretty much perfect.  (And what makes her perfect?  She'll tell you she's not.)  I'm not used to having someone so awesome care about me.  She's being a real trooper about this so far.  I mean, I thought things were a little complicated before the cancer, but this shit just makes things more interesting.  Sometimes I feel like I just don't want to talk to anyone, and other times all I want to do is be babied.  A new relationship with challenges of its own really needs to be strong to survive cancer.  I guess it makes me worry.  Con? Worry.

PROS>

I spent a lot of time being distracted today, which was very helpful.  I chatted with my sister in Michigan.  She'll be flying out this Friday and having her bone marrow tested.  I chatted with my new BFF (I know, half of you reading this are jealous.  As you should be).  She and I are totally awesome and she really makes me smile.  I chatted with my girlfriend (I know, all of you reading this are jealous.  Especially Tony.  As you should be).  No matter how horrible I feel, she makes me happy.  Even when it hurts to talk to her because I miss her so much, just knowing that we will be together really puts things in perspective.  Today was an especially good morale boost.  I am hilarious, hott, and happy.  The women in my life are truly gifts from God (or whoever you believe is responsible for the most beautiful, intelligent, loving creatures of the earth). Pro? Chicks dig me.

I really wish all you bitches and hos would leave comments on this damn thing instead of sending random e-mails and talking shit behind my back.  I like to write these, but I also like to know who's reading them.  So keep sending the prayers and well-wishes... but comment too, fuckers.

Act One: Scene Seven

Today I slept a little late and had a really big appetite. This is sort of unexpected. I figured I wouldn't be interested in food at all at this point. I'm not going to complain; I'm sure I'll need the energy later... I might as well stock up on food now before the nausea really kicks in.

I've been feeling generally tired. Probably resulting from a combination of the pneumonia, cancer, treatment, and overall mood. I try to sleep a lot and get a lot of rest, but I'm not sure I should be feeling this exhausted all the time. I get that chemo takes a lot out of you, but I was pretty sure some people were able to continue to do some daily tasks during treatment. I have trouble standing or walking for long periods of time. I hope I feel more active and alert when this round of chemo stops.

Since my girlfriend will be away for a few days, I'll be less compelled to spend time online and might get some more rest... but I'll spend more time missing her. (If you're reading this, I love you bokkie.)

Today my family started to raise money for cancer research in three ways. If you have a (fluff)friend account on facebook.com, you can check here (trade gold for items... and a cure!*). If you work with my grandfather, more information is available through the company (your donations get you great prizes - a trip to Hawaii, a new car, vacation time - and help cancer research!). If you are a friend of the family, please contact my mother (ideas for a benefit are still being considered). All of the money we raise will be donated to either the American Cancer Society of the Live Strong foundation.

*I personally think this is a great idea. I mean, you pay real money for gold. Part of that money goes to the World Wildlife Foundation. You trade your gold for gold items. So you don't have to "lose" your money at all. Your gold is not only matched with real money in our donation, but it is used within the application to continue to raise more funds and will eventually be given away to other fluffs. I suppose you might need to know the (fluff)world to appreciate it, but I do. lol I'm convinced unikos can cure cancer. ;)

Act One: Scene Six

Yesterday I spent quite a bit of time resting. Nothing noteworthy happened. Chemo went fine.

I'll probably need platelets and blood again in the near future.

If all goes according to plan, based on average treatment schedules, I should have my last chemo treatment in October.

Act One: Scene Five

I've been falling a day behind with my posts.  Deal with it.

Yesterday (Sunday) I had my treatment and enjoyed a full day of pneumonia.  I'm really starting to feel the effects of concerned family and friends.

Today I'm going to rest a lot.  Chemo is slated for 8pm.  No word on if I'll need any more platelets or blood in the near future.

Do any of you have questions?  I mean, I won't answer everything, but if you do, leave a comment and I'll try to get to it.  I know a lot of you are reading this and I appreciate the e-mails.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Act One: Scene Four

Today (4/12/08)was a rough day.

I didn't sleep enough last night (not that I sleep enough in general).  My chemo treatment about as well as could be expected, I suppose.  I needed yet another bog o' blood to tide me over.  My fever began to rise and a bad coughing fit caused a nosebleed.  The coughing continued and a chest x-ray was ordered.  Pneumonia.

Since I've been extra ill recently and Ami had a fever not too long ago, I was not permitted a visit from her today.  This greatly lowered my spirits.  Today she turned one month old.

I'm starting to become a little bitter about this whole cancer thing.  And yes, a little depressed.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Act One: Scene Three

Last night I ended up needing some red blood cells and platelets; my counts were low and my body was not pleased.

Today I had another dose of chemo, more red blood cells, and - after much anticipation - a bath.

It feels like it was a very long day.  It also feels as if all I do is sit and think.  I try to amuse myself online, but moments after a conversation, I forget what I've said.  I wonder if my memory problem is linked to the treatment, or if I'm just so "out of it" from everything that I can't seem to focus properly.

I'm getting to that stage when I begin to loosen my lips (and fingers) about things that I shouldn't.  I'm still conscious enough of my own behavior that I can control some of it, but I'm more and more aware of how quickly I'm falling into that "sick" frame of mind.  It's too comfortable, even though its been some time since I was here last.  I know that I push people away, I know that I desperately begin to NOT push people away by rambling about myself.  I know that I start to feel the need to talk about how I feel, but also feel that I don't want to make myself more vulnerable than I already am.  I worry more about others, though.  How must my friends and family feel now? I can see and feel that they worry, that they feel pity as well, and that they are scared.  And how much does it hurt them when we talk about it?  How much when we don't?  I know it must hurt them to be pushed away.  But I feel like the distance might hurt them less.  And for strangers...

I remember when I became a "sick kid".  I remember when I went on excite.com and met everyone and how cautious I was, how slow to contribute, how quick to go "afk" when we were sharing our stories.  But I cared and I could tell you all cared.  And then I hit that stage where everything just flows out... and it did and you just listened.  And you were strangers then.  And some of you, maybe some reading this, are still strangers to me even after all we've shared.  But many of you are friends.  And if that could happen again, I suppose I should let it.  But do I want new friends?  Do I want friends at all now?

Then I was leaving it behind, now it's all still ahead of me.  Now I'm just beginning it all over again.  The pain and the fear were just distant memories.  I had buried them once, and when my father died I scratched the surface again... now I'm digging them all up and I don't particularly want to.

Would they be zombies now?  Or is this pain and fear new, in need of its own shallow grave in a few years time?

Act One: Scene Two

I didn't sleep well at all last night.  I was exhausted, but not really ready to sleep until very late.  Once I decided (and my girlfriend convinced me) I should get some rest, it took forever to get comfortable.  All of my muscles ached and my chest itched.  I only managed to sleep for about two hours at a time.  

My chemo treatment today went well enough.  I feel a little sick.  I have a fever and my stomach is a little upset, but my appetite is back strong.  I've been drinking plenty of fluids and eating a LOT of jello.

My interesting thought today:

I have a good life.  I've traveled all over the globe, met tons of amazing people, and experienced wonderful things.  I have an awesome family, great friends... a beautiful, adorable daughter... a ridiculous girlfriend.  I have many blessings to count.

Act One: Scene One

I checked into the hospital this morning. I received some medication and fluids through my IV as I rested in the surprisingly comfortable bed. It gave me a lot of time to think, which was not a good thing. I got myself a little worked up and more nervous than I really needed to be about the rest of the treatment. Luckily, I have the best girlfriend in the world and she got me in check before I became a worried mess.

In the afternoon, I had my port installed in my chest. I can't quite explain the level of discomfort I felt as they inserted it. Afterwards, I felt a little tired and doped up from the pain meds.

Tonight I had my first chemo treatment. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it might be. I just sort of reclined in bed and waited it out. I watched a lot of TV and spent a lot of time reading online forums. I was hoping the forums would distract me from my problems, but they just reminded me of all the stupid, immature, mean people in the world. Right now I need to regain a little faith in humanity. I'm learning how to be selfish now, which is really new to me. I think realizing that the world is full of assholes makes it easier for me to focus on myself for once. I think I'm going to spend a lot of money on myself when I get home. Screw charity, daddy needs a new big screen TV! (Just for saying that, I will donate more to the AIDS fund.)

Now that the first treatment is over, I feel a little tired and sort of like I want to vomit all over the place. (Not sure if its from the chemo or the stupidity I've witnessed recently) My chest aches and itches a little. I don't want to be here. Cancer sucks.

Pray for me, please.

*Preview*
Today I received a dose of Ara-C (Cytarabine). I'll receive six more doses of Ara-C followed by three doses of Idarubicin over the course of the next 9 days.

Opening Credits

Some Facts About Me:
I went to the Amazon.
I was hired as the official documenting photographer on a trip to the Brazilian rainforest. I accompanied a variety of professionals (zoologists, ecologists, etc.) on what was to be a three month research study of the ecosystem. My participation in the trip was cut short, however, due to this cute little guy on the left. While attempting to avoid a hug from the jungle cat, I fell down a hill and injured myself. I was already returning to the states for a scheduled personal vacation, but the scratched back and bumped head convinced my boss that I deserved an extended medical leave.


I'm a new father.
My scheduled personal vacation was for the birth of my daughter, Ami Jane. An unexpected visit from an ex-girlfriend a few months ago changed my life. She informed me that she was (very, visibly) pregnant with my child. On Wednesday March 12th, Ami Jane was born (she makes my muscles look huge). I was still recovering, but she certainly took my mind off my injuries. Who could worry about a little concussion when there is a tiny, squirming person cooing and giggling nearby? (Plus, I've already begun strategizing anti-boy maneuvers for when she gets a little older.)


I bought a house.
I've spent the past fifteen years living in condos and apartments between travels. Now I have a brand new house with four bedrooms, a bar, and a jacuzzi tub. (Plus, it came with land and junker cars!) It's nice to finally have a "home" again.

I love my girlfriend.
After a series of unsuccessful relationships, I met someone ridiculous who shares my awesomeness. Of course, like everything else recently, it wasn't easy. We met online and have been enjoying a long distance relationship for the past few months. She's been very patient and supportive during the Amazon trip, baby arrival, and house moving. I love her oodles.

I have cancer.
While recovering from the Amazon, adjusting to life as a dad, and moving to a new home, my doctors became concerned about my prolonged illness and other symptoms. As a child, I survived a rough battle with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (you can see how strong I was on the left). It isn't unusual for stubborn fevers or easy bruising to be met with "relapse" concern. Since I had a full checkup prior to my Amazon trip, I was confident that the routine blood test would be fine and antibiotics would have me ready for my return to the jungle. Unfortunately, the blood tests and subsequent bone marrow biopsy confirmed that the cancer had returned.

After my diagnosis, the doctors decided it would be best to admit me for additional tests and pre-treatment care. The results of my CAT scan, Xrays, spinal tap, etc. were promising. It seems we caught the cancer early and it hasn't spread. I spent the past few days receiving antibiotics and fluids for an infection and dehydration. Tomorrow I will begin treatment for my leukemia.

Did I mention that I went to the amazon, became a new father, bought a house, fell in love, and relapsed in the span of three months? Yeah, that's right. I was chased by a wild jungle cat. I am now responsible for a new life. I have boxes to unpack. I miss my girlfriend so much it hurts. But I'm happy. Bring it, cancer. I'ma fuck you up. I have too much to live for.