I don't get the chemo drugs anymore, but I'm still on a lot of medications. I can't do very much because I'm so fucking tired and cold and grumpy. My pneumonia isn't getting any better. My blood counts are low, which means I need another transfusion and I won't be able to go home any time soon. This morning the doctor suggested I might "want to stay" straight through my second treatment. Fuck that shit. I want to go HOME.
I don't want my mom to come back because she wouldn't do any good here, but she keeps bugging to visit again. I don't want visitors, I don't want to talk to anyone, I just want to sleep and be alone. I had the nurses take all the flowers and cards and shit and re-gift it to patients who didn't get anything. All that crap makes me think is, "how nice. people care about me, but have no idea who the fuck I am if they think this will even remotely cheer me up." I appreciate the generic sympathy gifts, but its your empathy that I'd appreciate more. I don't want you to be sorry for me. At this point, I don't even want you to fucking pray for me. Unless you can empathize, your energy would be better spent enjoying your own life. If you can empathize, then you already know how to spend your energy and know that I love you unconditionally because its evident that the feeling is mutual.
In case you can't tell. I'm a fuckin jerk. I'm fuckin bitter and mean and I don't give a fuck. When the news stops being good and I stop making progress, I feel my attitude is warranted. No news is NOT good news in the case of cancer. No news means they don't want to get my damn hopes up. No news means things are the same. We don't want things to be the same. We want things to get better. Fuckin cancer. Balls.
So I arranged for Krys to take care of my online stuff for the week. I wanted a week off. Just coming online to chat with my girlfriend and a few close friends who dont piss me off or stress me out. I figured it would help me to relax without getting me stressed, because my online stuff is more work than it seems like... especially when I'm drugged up, have an IV in my hand, can't focus on the screen, and need to type awkwardly while lying on my side when my chest huts too much. You think some of you fuckers ache from voting on fluff art or trying to follow chat logs? Shut up, pussies. Try fluffing and chatting with CANCER.
And then Krys can't get internet access because she's camping with her grandmother (it's cool on her part though, she needs the break too and I hope she's relaxing. Plus her grandmother is uber wicked awesome.) so I have to log on today to check my stuff and make sure everything is going ok. Well, it's not. You'd think things could go a day and a half without falling apart, but apparently not. The fundraiser I was running on fluff got locked, the Sick Kids Assholes spammed my inbox with stupid pity-me and pity-you e-mails, and I got tons of fucking nasty e-mails and messages from people because I didn't something or other. Well, fuck it all.
If not for the cute innuendo and funny gifts my amazing girlfriend sends me on facebook, I would have considered today a complete waste of my time. And I'm not in a position to waste my fuckin' time. (All I do is sleep away most of my time, but I like to make the most of my fuckin' time.)
Fuck the world...
I love my bokkie oodles.
