Act One: Scene Three

Last night I ended up needing some red blood cells and platelets; my counts were low and my body was not pleased.

Today I had another dose of chemo, more red blood cells, and - after much anticipation - a bath.

It feels like it was a very long day.  It also feels as if all I do is sit and think.  I try to amuse myself online, but moments after a conversation, I forget what I've said.  I wonder if my memory problem is linked to the treatment, or if I'm just so "out of it" from everything that I can't seem to focus properly.

I'm getting to that stage when I begin to loosen my lips (and fingers) about things that I shouldn't.  I'm still conscious enough of my own behavior that I can control some of it, but I'm more and more aware of how quickly I'm falling into that "sick" frame of mind.  It's too comfortable, even though its been some time since I was here last.  I know that I push people away, I know that I desperately begin to NOT push people away by rambling about myself.  I know that I start to feel the need to talk about how I feel, but also feel that I don't want to make myself more vulnerable than I already am.  I worry more about others, though.  How must my friends and family feel now? I can see and feel that they worry, that they feel pity as well, and that they are scared.  And how much does it hurt them when we talk about it?  How much when we don't?  I know it must hurt them to be pushed away.  But I feel like the distance might hurt them less.  And for strangers...

I remember when I became a "sick kid".  I remember when I went on excite.com and met everyone and how cautious I was, how slow to contribute, how quick to go "afk" when we were sharing our stories.  But I cared and I could tell you all cared.  And then I hit that stage where everything just flows out... and it did and you just listened.  And you were strangers then.  And some of you, maybe some reading this, are still strangers to me even after all we've shared.  But many of you are friends.  And if that could happen again, I suppose I should let it.  But do I want new friends?  Do I want friends at all now?

Then I was leaving it behind, now it's all still ahead of me.  Now I'm just beginning it all over again.  The pain and the fear were just distant memories.  I had buried them once, and when my father died I scratched the surface again... now I'm digging them all up and I don't particularly want to.

Would they be zombies now?  Or is this pain and fear new, in need of its own shallow grave in a few years time?

Act One: Scene Two

I didn't sleep well at all last night.  I was exhausted, but not really ready to sleep until very late.  Once I decided (and my girlfriend convinced me) I should get some rest, it took forever to get comfortable.  All of my muscles ached and my chest itched.  I only managed to sleep for about two hours at a time.  

My chemo treatment today went well enough.  I feel a little sick.  I have a fever and my stomach is a little upset, but my appetite is back strong.  I've been drinking plenty of fluids and eating a LOT of jello.

My interesting thought today:

I have a good life.  I've traveled all over the globe, met tons of amazing people, and experienced wonderful things.  I have an awesome family, great friends... a beautiful, adorable daughter... a ridiculous girlfriend.  I have many blessings to count.

Act One: Scene One

I checked into the hospital this morning. I received some medication and fluids through my IV as I rested in the surprisingly comfortable bed. It gave me a lot of time to think, which was not a good thing. I got myself a little worked up and more nervous than I really needed to be about the rest of the treatment. Luckily, I have the best girlfriend in the world and she got me in check before I became a worried mess.

In the afternoon, I had my port installed in my chest. I can't quite explain the level of discomfort I felt as they inserted it. Afterwards, I felt a little tired and doped up from the pain meds.

Tonight I had my first chemo treatment. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it might be. I just sort of reclined in bed and waited it out. I watched a lot of TV and spent a lot of time reading online forums. I was hoping the forums would distract me from my problems, but they just reminded me of all the stupid, immature, mean people in the world. Right now I need to regain a little faith in humanity. I'm learning how to be selfish now, which is really new to me. I think realizing that the world is full of assholes makes it easier for me to focus on myself for once. I think I'm going to spend a lot of money on myself when I get home. Screw charity, daddy needs a new big screen TV! (Just for saying that, I will donate more to the AIDS fund.)

Now that the first treatment is over, I feel a little tired and sort of like I want to vomit all over the place. (Not sure if its from the chemo or the stupidity I've witnessed recently) My chest aches and itches a little. I don't want to be here. Cancer sucks.

Pray for me, please.

*Preview*
Today I received a dose of Ara-C (Cytarabine). I'll receive six more doses of Ara-C followed by three doses of Idarubicin over the course of the next 9 days.

Opening Credits

Some Facts About Me:
I went to the Amazon.
I was hired as the official documenting photographer on a trip to the Brazilian rainforest. I accompanied a variety of professionals (zoologists, ecologists, etc.) on what was to be a three month research study of the ecosystem. My participation in the trip was cut short, however, due to this cute little guy on the left. While attempting to avoid a hug from the jungle cat, I fell down a hill and injured myself. I was already returning to the states for a scheduled personal vacation, but the scratched back and bumped head convinced my boss that I deserved an extended medical leave.


I'm a new father.
My scheduled personal vacation was for the birth of my daughter, Ami Jane. An unexpected visit from an ex-girlfriend a few months ago changed my life. She informed me that she was (very, visibly) pregnant with my child. On Wednesday March 12th, Ami Jane was born (she makes my muscles look huge). I was still recovering, but she certainly took my mind off my injuries. Who could worry about a little concussion when there is a tiny, squirming person cooing and giggling nearby? (Plus, I've already begun strategizing anti-boy maneuvers for when she gets a little older.)


I bought a house.
I've spent the past fifteen years living in condos and apartments between travels. Now I have a brand new house with four bedrooms, a bar, and a jacuzzi tub. (Plus, it came with land and junker cars!) It's nice to finally have a "home" again.

I love my girlfriend.
After a series of unsuccessful relationships, I met someone ridiculous who shares my awesomeness. Of course, like everything else recently, it wasn't easy. We met online and have been enjoying a long distance relationship for the past few months. She's been very patient and supportive during the Amazon trip, baby arrival, and house moving. I love her oodles.

I have cancer.
While recovering from the Amazon, adjusting to life as a dad, and moving to a new home, my doctors became concerned about my prolonged illness and other symptoms. As a child, I survived a rough battle with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (you can see how strong I was on the left). It isn't unusual for stubborn fevers or easy bruising to be met with "relapse" concern. Since I had a full checkup prior to my Amazon trip, I was confident that the routine blood test would be fine and antibiotics would have me ready for my return to the jungle. Unfortunately, the blood tests and subsequent bone marrow biopsy confirmed that the cancer had returned.

After my diagnosis, the doctors decided it would be best to admit me for additional tests and pre-treatment care. The results of my CAT scan, Xrays, spinal tap, etc. were promising. It seems we caught the cancer early and it hasn't spread. I spent the past few days receiving antibiotics and fluids for an infection and dehydration. Tomorrow I will begin treatment for my leukemia.

Did I mention that I went to the amazon, became a new father, bought a house, fell in love, and relapsed in the span of three months? Yeah, that's right. I was chased by a wild jungle cat. I am now responsible for a new life. I have boxes to unpack. I miss my girlfriend so much it hurts. But I'm happy. Bring it, cancer. I'ma fuck you up. I have too much to live for.