Intermission: One

today i am not feeling well at all.  last night i started to feel sick so went to bed early.  today i am very tired but cant sleep because i vomit so much.  absolutely no appetite.  having a lot of trouble focusing.

my sister is here.  shell have her bone marrow tested today.  my mom is not a match but my dad was and so my sister might be.

i love my girlfriend.  she goes to lesbian bars and watches squirrels sex it up in trees.  totally hott.

Act One: Scene Ten

Today I have my final chemo shot for Round 1.  Tomorrow I'll celebrate the end of the induction phase by chillin' with my mom and my sister.  My sister flies in tonight, but she won't be visiting the hospital until tomorrow.

I've been having a tough time staying focused lately.  My mind sort of jumps from topic to topic and sometimes I zone out completely.  I've been feeling more tired lately and put up less of a fight when people tell me to nap.  I had a great appetite for a few days, but today I don't feel much like eating.  I'm not exactly sick to my stomach, but thinking about food does make me a little nauseated.  I guess my hopes that I could brave through this without feeling like complete shit might soon be dashed.  (I wanted to say "on the rocks of" something, but couldn't think of the word.  Ha.)

I don't have the attention span, energy, or patience to forum anymore.  I might drop in and make a post or two, but I don't really feel like it.  You make one post and then everyone expects you to reply and refresh every ten seconds.  I can't follow conversations like that right now.  I can manage chatting on IM but only with certain people.  It's a combination of my desire to chat with them and their understanding of my situation.  There are only five people I can really follow through conversations with right now online.

Don't think it's any better in person.  I can't tolerate phones at all.  They just piss me off.  I zone out, forget who I'm talking to.  If my mom's here, she'll answer the phone and I'll say hello, maybe give a quick "I'm feeling fine" or tell a joke, but no more than that.  If mom isn't here, I don't answer.  Face-to-face conversations are slightly less horrible than the phone, but still pretty horrid.  I'll forget what we're talking about, I'll get frustrated, I'll just stop talking.  Even when I'm in a good mood.  It sucks, because I know I want to say something but I can't seem to get it out.  I wonder if this is common for chemo patients.

I like this blog because I can type and then reread and change or add.  I can focus my thoughts more easily.  At least they seem focused to me.  Maybe you don't agree.  I don't give a fuck.  (This comment will be humorous to at least two people reading this.)

Act One: Scene Nine

Today (4/17/08) was relatively uneventful.  I rested a lot.  I chatted a little.  I struggled more with my fever.

I finally had a chance to look at photos of my new house that my mom so graciously decorated and photographed for me.  I have realized two things: There is a reason my mom is not a professional decorator or photographer.  I love my girlfriend more than before (I didn't think it was possible, but it's true). 

I also saw my new baby for the first time.  She's a pretty little Chevelle that was abandoned in the woods on the property I purchased.  My uncle cleaned her up already and we're going to be restoring her when I get home.

My mother has been living in my house with frequent visitors.  She said my dog, Berk, is especially happy about the new home.  He enjoys all the land to run around on and spends most of his time in the basement (which is where I will spend a lot of my time as well).  My cat, Marli, has yet to leave the bedroom where she was released from her travel crate.  Apparently she has decided to camp out under the bed until future notice.  Mom has been humoring her, putting her food and water under the bed along with a litter pan.  Eventually she'll get her down to the basement so my room doesn't stink like cat when I go home.  I don't mind much.  Poor Marli is just pissed off at me for deserting her for so long.

I hope Ami doesn't hide under the bed when she comes home.  Could make things difficult.

Act One: Scene Eight

Cancer Stuff:

I finished up my Ara-C treatments today and had my first Idarubicin shot (direct into my port). I've got two more days of the Idarubicin and then this round of chemo will be finished.  Then I spend some time letting the chemo do its thing.  After that, I rest up for the second round.  Right now, we're looking at around the first week in June, but it depends on how quickly my body responds to this round.  I keep telling the doctors I want to try to push everything ahead two months.  If I could have my last round of chemo in August, that would be awesome.  Fits my plans much more conveniently.  And we all know cancer is convenient.

My red blood cell count was finally given a thumbs up today, which is good.  I started to run a fever and it has been climbing since earlier this evening.  The doctors are mildly concerned, which of course concerns me.  The only bit of insightful information I was able to retrieve was from a nurse who let it slip that patients who receive transfusions sometimes have poor reactions and get sick.  Since I'm starting to think a lot of the blood in me is no longer mine, it's possible that may be the cause of the fever.  I don't think it's anything serious.  I get ice-packs and I'm trying to rest a little more.  (The levels of "rest" I have are amazing... rest 0-sleep, rest 1-laying with eyes closed, rest 2- staring at the TV/wall/ceiling/window, rest 3- chatting with my girlfriend/paying attention to the TV/listening to music, rest 4- chatting/foruming/actively watching TV/singing along to music, rest 5- talking/sitting up/considering walking.)

Today I tried not to think about cancer too much.  The hospital is a fucking depressing place the way it is, I don't need to spend all my time thinking about the rogue cells that decided to wage war against my body.  Bastards.

Non-Cancer Stuff:

CONS>

I haven't been able to have many visitors because I am very susceptible to extra illness right now.  With the pneumonia and the new arrival of the fever, I imagine it might be some time before I get to see Ami again.  It hurts to be a new dad and not have the chance to do new dad things.  I'm actually sad that I don't get to change diapers and wake up at 2am to scald my wrists with hot formula.  I'm worried that Ami is growing so fast.  I'm missing out on it. Con? No Ami.

My family unpacked and decorated my new home for me.  I have no idea what it looks like now. Should be interesting to go "home" and see what great things my mom picked out.  I hear the guest room is pink.  That's right.  Pink. Con? No "home".

I miss my girlfriend.  Have I mentioned she's ridiculously awesome?  She is.  Pretty much perfect.  (And what makes her perfect?  She'll tell you she's not.)  I'm not used to having someone so awesome care about me.  She's being a real trooper about this so far.  I mean, I thought things were a little complicated before the cancer, but this shit just makes things more interesting.  Sometimes I feel like I just don't want to talk to anyone, and other times all I want to do is be babied.  A new relationship with challenges of its own really needs to be strong to survive cancer.  I guess it makes me worry.  Con? Worry.

PROS>

I spent a lot of time being distracted today, which was very helpful.  I chatted with my sister in Michigan.  She'll be flying out this Friday and having her bone marrow tested.  I chatted with my new BFF (I know, half of you reading this are jealous.  As you should be).  She and I are totally awesome and she really makes me smile.  I chatted with my girlfriend (I know, all of you reading this are jealous.  Especially Tony.  As you should be).  No matter how horrible I feel, she makes me happy.  Even when it hurts to talk to her because I miss her so much, just knowing that we will be together really puts things in perspective.  Today was an especially good morale boost.  I am hilarious, hott, and happy.  The women in my life are truly gifts from God (or whoever you believe is responsible for the most beautiful, intelligent, loving creatures of the earth). Pro? Chicks dig me.

I really wish all you bitches and hos would leave comments on this damn thing instead of sending random e-mails and talking shit behind my back.  I like to write these, but I also like to know who's reading them.  So keep sending the prayers and well-wishes... but comment too, fuckers.

Act One: Scene Seven

Today I slept a little late and had a really big appetite. This is sort of unexpected. I figured I wouldn't be interested in food at all at this point. I'm not going to complain; I'm sure I'll need the energy later... I might as well stock up on food now before the nausea really kicks in.

I've been feeling generally tired. Probably resulting from a combination of the pneumonia, cancer, treatment, and overall mood. I try to sleep a lot and get a lot of rest, but I'm not sure I should be feeling this exhausted all the time. I get that chemo takes a lot out of you, but I was pretty sure some people were able to continue to do some daily tasks during treatment. I have trouble standing or walking for long periods of time. I hope I feel more active and alert when this round of chemo stops.

Since my girlfriend will be away for a few days, I'll be less compelled to spend time online and might get some more rest... but I'll spend more time missing her. (If you're reading this, I love you bokkie.)

Today my family started to raise money for cancer research in three ways. If you have a (fluff)friend account on facebook.com, you can check here (trade gold for items... and a cure!*). If you work with my grandfather, more information is available through the company (your donations get you great prizes - a trip to Hawaii, a new car, vacation time - and help cancer research!). If you are a friend of the family, please contact my mother (ideas for a benefit are still being considered). All of the money we raise will be donated to either the American Cancer Society of the Live Strong foundation.

*I personally think this is a great idea. I mean, you pay real money for gold. Part of that money goes to the World Wildlife Foundation. You trade your gold for gold items. So you don't have to "lose" your money at all. Your gold is not only matched with real money in our donation, but it is used within the application to continue to raise more funds and will eventually be given away to other fluffs. I suppose you might need to know the (fluff)world to appreciate it, but I do. lol I'm convinced unikos can cure cancer. ;)

Act One: Scene Six

Yesterday I spent quite a bit of time resting. Nothing noteworthy happened. Chemo went fine.

I'll probably need platelets and blood again in the near future.

If all goes according to plan, based on average treatment schedules, I should have my last chemo treatment in October.

Act One: Scene Five

I've been falling a day behind with my posts.  Deal with it.

Yesterday (Sunday) I had my treatment and enjoyed a full day of pneumonia.  I'm really starting to feel the effects of concerned family and friends.

Today I'm going to rest a lot.  Chemo is slated for 8pm.  No word on if I'll need any more platelets or blood in the near future.

Do any of you have questions?  I mean, I won't answer everything, but if you do, leave a comment and I'll try to get to it.  I know a lot of you are reading this and I appreciate the e-mails.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Act One: Scene Four

Today (4/12/08)was a rough day.

I didn't sleep enough last night (not that I sleep enough in general).  My chemo treatment about as well as could be expected, I suppose.  I needed yet another bog o' blood to tide me over.  My fever began to rise and a bad coughing fit caused a nosebleed.  The coughing continued and a chest x-ray was ordered.  Pneumonia.

Since I've been extra ill recently and Ami had a fever not too long ago, I was not permitted a visit from her today.  This greatly lowered my spirits.  Today she turned one month old.

I'm starting to become a little bitter about this whole cancer thing.  And yes, a little depressed.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.